The magic prism glasses have arrived and he is still the most handsome ginger ever. Ian loves them because no one has to know. Contacts are going in more consistently. And we hope that the vision therapist’s goals of what the glasses can accomplish, are realized. Time will tell. Ian wore the new glasses to physical therapy, on re-evaluation day. His PT was astounded. She could not believe glasses could make that big of a difference. (For example, he balanced on one leg 40% longer than without them.) She asked to try them on for herself, and didn’t notice much. She tested Ian with them and without them. She seemed mystified. She even challenged Ian that he was exaggerating failure without them. What is it about our nature that demands understanding? Why do we struggle with accepting things we can’t explain?
Because I said so
When I was growing up, I loved to stretch the boundaries. (Imagine that?!) My parents became practiced at saying “NO.” But a simple ‘NO’, never slowed my quest! But why, I would whine. As if an understanding would make the ‘NO’ acceptable. Sometimes I would get an explanation. But I would challenge that too. Eventually, with no satisfactory reason (in my mind) my parents would pull out the trump card and the conversation would end abruptly … “Because I said so!” Done. No more discussion. In one exclamation, they usurped all control.
That’s the issue isn’t it? Control. If we can understand something, we think we can maintain at least some control. Isn’t it curious that one of the synonyms for the word understanding is mastery?
Ian has a very, very rare condition. In spite of my college education, a thorough amount of independent research, and consults with dozens of experts over the years, Ian stumps everyone. It used to make me mad. What? You can’t tell me what is wrong? You can’t explain why this happened? Or how to prevent this from happening again? Sometimes I would find a doctor who would confidently respond with some new insight. His confidence would relax me. His confidence gave me the illusion that he had some control over Ian’s complex brain.
If I have learned anything at all as Ian’s mom, it is that… God made that boy. And God is calling ALL the shots. There is no other explanation. It is as if God said, “Because I said so!”
I’m ok with that.
And you know what… after 22 years of mothering, 4 brain surgeries, more hospital time than I care to recall, I’m ok with that! The way I see it, I am not putting my faith in some brilliant, experienced neurosurgeon that has human limitations. I am putting my faith in the creator of the universe. The sovereign, all powerful, all knowing God who has no limitations and loves Ian more than I do! That is no illusion. That is no pipe dream. That is certainty. What freedom.
Because of love
Now that I’m a parent, I have come to appreciate the boundaries that my parents enforced. I realize their motivation wasn’t just an older and wiser perspective. It wasn’t just to prove who was in charge. It wasn’t to disappoint or to shut me up. Their motivation was born out of a great love for me. LOVE is the real trump card, not control. LOVE makes all the difference. Because of God’s love for me, I can give up the need to understand everything and trust Him. That is SOOOO important, let me say it again… Because of God’s love for me, I can give up the need to understand everything and trust Him.
I know I know, audacious statement. The operative word is CAN. After all, I am a recovering control freak. And even though I intellectually believe it with all of my being, it is still hard to do. In the end it is a daily, sometimes moment by moment decision.
It’s either Him or me
Here’s the thing… I’ve tried it both ways. I’ve tried to keep God in a box and then call upon him only when I get in over my head. And no surprise, I ALWAYS get in over my head. God is a gentleman. He won’t force Himself where he isn’t wanted. I’ve also been so exhausted in my own strength, I’ve given Him full access, full reign the moment my feet hit the floor in the morning. Guess which method works better?
My Goal Lean on the truth of Hebrews 11:1. Daily, in spite of circumstances, I must put on the magic glasses, give up my need to understand, and trust Him. I expect it will mystify those around me. But I KNOW He does awesome work.