Nothing, I repeat nothing exposes a control freak quite like someone telling you what to do in the face uncertainty.
I admit it y’all, I’m not doing all that well. This pandemic is to blame for my ‘just-below-the-surface-witch-i-ness’. Am I the only one?
To be honest, when I take the time to consider how unscathed I have been as a result of the lockdown, I deserve this extended and punitive time out. I seem to have misplaced my gratitude. My family is healthy and Doug remains employed even though our church, in general, suffers. Nearly every day in Albuquerque we are gifted with glorious weather and I have no valid reason to complain. Except, of course, for the burden I carry for so many people who have been impacted greatly.
As I wrestle with my own bad behavior, I’ve tried to figure out the why and the what of it.
Why do the slightest things twerk me? Why does my rebellious nature challenge everything that makes no sense. And what possible good can come from daring the policeman to arrest me for going in the wrong entrance to return my Redbox movie?
Where are you on the spectrum?
Have you noticed how differently people process and react to the quarantine? I don’t mean to oversimplify this complex crisis, nor do I want to get into the mud and the mire of covid19. But the way I see it, our reactions to the pandemic fall somewhere on a continuum. On one end, you accept it, adapt to it, and wait for further instructions. On the other end, you fight it every step of the way. You challenge the why of every decision, do your own research and generally drive yourself crazy crafting the best way forward which, of course, is futile. Your brilliant solution will never reach the ears of someone who has the power to do anything even if he or she is convinced that your recommendation is ideal from all perspectives.
I bet you have a sense of where I fall on the continuum. It’s lonely out here. But the struggle is real. It is as if I’m attending a recovery meeting to admit I’ve fallen off the wagon. “Hello, I’m Debbie Hucke and apparently I’m a control freak.”
Selfishly, I’m convinced I’d feel a sense of relief to join those of you at the calm acceptance end of the spectrum. But that seems to betray my personality. So I wrestle. My thoughts are still jumbled but I sense the Lord graciously loving me through this. He isn’t finished with me as I’m a work in process. Thank you God.
Do you like how YOU are wired? Do you accept your gifts AND your weaknesses? Have you learned how best to maximize the good and minimize the not good or maybe even invest time on the not good? In my experience, it’s the circumstances of life that display our true colors most obviously.
I have a friend, a kind and gentle Human Resources type, who when giving constructive feedback refers to where you ‘screw-up-big’ as opportunities. I hear Kristin’s voice this morning as I pray for direction from the Lord. “Debbie, just think of all the opportunities this pandemic has given you!” Ouch. I know she’s right.
The chaos of our world has interrupted my God given plans and direction and I’m mad about it. But what if I’m looking at it the wrong way? What if I’m missing His intended opportunity for growth? What if the frustrations and changes to my routine are exactly what He wants to use to mold me and make me, to soften my hard edges.
Our circumstances become the ideal conditions for God to accomplish what He wants in us.
Isaiah 64:8 Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.
From my room
Sooooo as if God Himself sent me to my room to give me some extra time to think about things, my perspective is shifting. Instead of a chip on my shoulder I’m beginning to see God using this unprecedented time, for His purposes not only in our world, but in my life.
Hebrews 10:36. Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.
Not how the game is played
We control freaks tend to “take the ball and run with it.” But with God, that’s not how the game is played. We can’t run ahead. God is never in a hurry but always on time. His plan for me will happen at the exact time and in the exact way God wants it to happen. The ONLY right place for me to be is in the centre of God’s will which for now is sheltered at home during the covid19 crisis of 2020.
For those who can relate, may I encourage you as I’ve been encouraged. Don’t let the reality of the pandemic rob you from living in the present while waiting for the future. Sometimes His sweetest gifts are granted in a barren, parched and lonely desert. Hold tight to your loving Father and steep in His Word. Know His plans are perfect and have not paused or even changed to the zoom format.
Loving Lord, You know it’s my priority to live for you. Humbly I ask you to forgive me for my arrogance to think I know best. Help me see Your hand so I can embrace this sometimes hard process, knowing I’m purposefully planted to do Your will in Your time and in Your way. Amen.